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One more surgery... — suzanne-mcrae.com

One more surgery…

I was facing the decision of whether I wanted to go back in for one more surgery or not, and I have decided. My second surgery is scheduled for December 9th. I decided that I will go back, because it’s what felt right. I’m very grateful that this will be able happen before the new year.

There’s been many emotions swirling around for me the last few weeks with this whole breast cancer thing. I’ve been quiet, not writing or sharing much of anything with anyone. I tend to withdraw when the tough gets going. That’s how I cocoon myself so I can figure things out on my own. It’s the need for me to be able to hear my inner voice, and inner guidance that has been so incredibly important to me. Without this, I feel like I will make mistakes and I would prefer not to make too many of those if I can help it.

In the past few weeks, I have met with both the medical and radiation oncologists. The day before both of these appointments anxiety paid me a visit, and had its claws stuck deep inside of me one more time. I am thankful that this anxiety passes after a day or two. Crippling is the word that comes to mind when that happens. For those who deal with that level of anxiety every single day, I honestly don’t know how they do it.

The decision-making process has been a painfully slow one for me. I’ve been unable to rush anything. So I’ve tried to be more gentle with myself and in giving myself lots of reminders that I am human and that this IS HARD, and that I’m allowed to experience this whole cancer journey and awakening thing my way, however it wants to present itself and at whatever speed it needs to happen. Even if all might be messy looking at times. I’m giving myself permission to experience it all however it wants to unfold, and that can be pretty scary some days to let it run its course however it wants to. But I trust. For the most part I am able to trust, that I am where I need to be with all of it even if all I see is the next step that’s right in front of me.

In a nutshell, I was told that this cancer is not a new thing that magically appeared in my body overnight. It’s probably been there 5-10 years before I found the lump in my breast this spring, the oncologist told me. Then there’s good news that I will not be needing chemotherapy. Although, their recommendation was for me to go back in a second surgery to have more cancerous cells removed that were left behind. This would be followed by 5 weeks of radiation.

Life is a Story

On the weekend, I took out a roll of paper that is 2′ wide or so and cut a piece bigger than the length of our dining room table. I needed to see my options written down all in one place. I drew little flowers and divided my sheet in three parts: Medical: surgery/oncology/treatments ::: Heilkunst ::: Alternative therapies, energy healing etc. I wrote everything that I knew, was already doing and information that had been shared with me on that piece of paper. Two and a half hours later of writing it all down, I lifted my burning eyes off the paper. I had filled up the paper with lots of notes. There it was, all in one place.

After being able to look away for a few minutes and clearing my mind a bit, I then wanted to try a little experiment to see if my body would possibly speak to me. Could it send me signals about what felt really good vs feelings of distress in my body? So I started, by allowing my eyes to get relaxed. I then glanced at the paper with my eyes relaxed not really focussed on the words and went from left to right slowly, paying attention to how I was feeling in my body more than anything else as my eyes moved across the paper. The first third of the paper I could feel a very nervous, resistant and even cold energy, while the last two-thirds of the paper my body relaxed much and vibrated with happy, grounded feeling, and a familiar knowing type feelings in my body, feeling warmth all over. I was satisfied with this first attempt. I wasn’t sure if I was the one making this all happen, or if it was truly my inner guidance that was speaking to me through my body’s sensation. I intend to do this exercise many more times to see what else comes up or if it changes at all.

In my own personal experience with cancer, I realized very early on that I would not be able to look only to conventional medicine for my answers on how to heal from this cancer.

This week I had a follow-up consultation with my Heilkunst practitioner. I felt so incredibly positive after that call. I find that I’m in a healing place that is uniquely me in many ways. I feel incredibly empowered with several things, and especially knowing that I’m in the driver’s seat when I am choosing.

What I want more than anything in this whole cancer experience is to get at the roots of what caused this cancer in the first place. I’m not very interested in going against the grain of what feels right for me and all that is really speaking loudly to me these days.

This is not easy for me to be sharing any of this. The answers are not quite clearly laid out for me. I feel like I’m being put to the test. I know that there’s the potential for tremendous growth in all of this if I go with it, and to be able to trust more in God’s divine plan for me.

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  1. Your updates are enlightening and inspiring. You may not feel that right now, but for those of us looking in, there is lots we’re learning from you. Thank you.

    • Thank you Gabriella. Its really not easy for me to see what any of this might look for someone else looking in, let alone what they might be learning. And its probably not for me to figure out.

  2. No matter what you decide to do Suzanne, I trust it will be the right decision for YOU. Do what you need to do, learn from this journey and move forward. And do it all with love. xoxo

  3. Lisa Williams says:

    I feel the same as Gabriella, that there is so much to learn from what you’re sharing, and it’s inspiring to see how you are approaching this. I’m relieved for you that you won’t need chemotherapy. I hope you’ll be uplifted through the weeks of treatment and through your anxious days. Sending you thoughts and prayers!

  4. Your process in listening to your inner guidance is inspiring. I understand your not finding it easy to share at this most vulnerable time in your life. I know every person reading your post understands. Please know we all continue to send you prayers of health and strength to continue whether you can speak to us through your words or not.

  5. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you continue your path to good health, Suzanne.

  6. Cher Cousine Suzanne,

    My prayers and best wishes are going out to you. I am glad that you have decided to do what would be the best for you.

    I love you and I know that you will be very happy to get all of this behind you.

    Sending my love to you.

    Cousine Mary

  7. AMAZING, the CONSCIOUSNESS you bring to this process – and very wise. This summer i did not use the same inner tools for my own diagnosis and treatment and almost died. Never again will I automatically “go along.”
    Thank you for sharing,
    Full Spectrum Mama recently posted..PLEASE DON’T SAY YOU’RE SORRY…My Profile

    • Full Spectrum Mama, thank you for your beautiful sharing. I’m so sorry to hear what you went through this past summer. But so grateful that you are here to tell us about it and what you have learned. Continued blessings to you!! <3

  8. Carol Ritchie says:

    I’m praying that you are recuperating from your surgery, and that you will post some uplifting news soon. I beleive that diet is one big key to staying healthy, and we shall chat about this once you are feeling up to it.

    • Hi Carol, my recuperation is going well since my second surgery. I agree with you that diet is key when dealing with cancer, and to staying healthy. I have known that for years, have worked at it for years, and since my diagnosis am even more vigilant. I’ve got the diet aspect well covered. Thanks!!

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