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Inching my way forward... — suzanne-mcrae.com

Inching my way forward…

I have attempted to write a blog post the past few weeks. Every time I feel that I have it written, it doesn’t feel right and it feels like I’m simply stating facts about what I’m going through with medical appointments and that leaves me feeling out of touch with myself and what I’m really going through. So here I go, trying again.

With LOVE everything is possible… a beautiful beaded heart that was made and gifted to me by an online friend. <3


I met with Dr. Angel, surgeon #2 about 5 days after my last blog post. In meeting with her it gave me was a deeper understanding of the results of all the tests that I had gone through and what it is that I’m needing to face now. Also found out that surgeon #2 Dr. Angel, had trained surgeon #1. Oops!! I had no idea about this. She shared that the first surgeon would be able to do exactly what she would for me. When I left there that day it wasn’t clear who I would choose to do the surgery… or would I even want to go for the surgery.

That weekend I did a tremendous amount of soul-searching. At times it felt like more like torture, because back and forth I was trying to look at both the alternative, complimentary care approach as well as the energy healing and my beliefs on dis-ease in the body, and how in my understanding there needs to be deeper healing on many levels that needs to occur to heal fully… and then there was what I had been told by the medical system that would address the cancer at the physical level.

I felt very grateful for all that I had learned over the years with regards to alternative stuff, but at the same time there was a small part of me that felt that if only I didn’t know any of what I knew, then I could surrender so much more easily to the medical system, accept their word, trust their ability and allow them do what they felt was best for me. But… I don’t accept that easily. I really don’t accept that easily. Part of me is very stubborn and needs to get to a place where I can decide things for myself. Its taking me time to navigate through the many layers that cancer has brought up, and have it go through the many filters of my own beliefs, to allow what I am told to do and connect with that deep inner place of wisdom and knowing that is inside of me.

By the end of that weekend it was crystal clear that I was not going for the surgery and that decision felt right. It really felt right… until the next day that is. By then the little gremlins and some subtle doubts were beginning to creep in fast. So I contacted a good friend, she was able to see what I was doing so she put me to work to go deeper within and take a look again, and again and do a few exercises to help make some sort of sense with all that was going through my head. A day or two later after more contemplation and torment, I was brought to the place where I knew that I needed to go through with the surgery. I couldn’t bypass this important part to my healing process.

In talking with my naturopath that week, she shared with me that everyone reacts different when they receive a cancer diagnosis. For some people, they agree to have surgery and treatments asap. For others it takes 6 months, they don’t want to do anything or hear of anything, then one day they decide. For many like me, she said it’s a back and forth sort of affair. It’s one of working through the many layers of emotions and sifting through mountains of new and foreign information about a topic you know nothing about, and allowing things to get filtered and processed a bit at a time until it feels right. She made it clear that there is no right or wrong way of going through it all, that it’s a very personal experience.

Once I decided I was going for surgery, then I had to figure out which surgeon I wanted to do the surgery for me. I decided to go back and see Dr. Angel. That day sitting in the waiting room, 2 hours later I got to see her in the examination room. As soon as she entered the room she sat down right beside me and in an apologetic voice she told me I’m so sorry, I won’t be able to do surgery for you until October and I won’t have you wait that long. I couldn’t understand, why couldn’t she do it? Then she told me that since she had seen me only 5 business days earlier, she had seen 11 new breast cancer patients and had them all booked for surgery, therefore filling up all of September. When I had seen her just those few days earlier she could have operated on me early September. She suggested that I go back to surgeon #1 which she felt that she was very qualified to do the surgery for me and even offered to call her to discuss how she would have done the surgery. I felt so defeated, after all the intensive process I had gone through of deciding that week and being so sure she would be able to do the surgery for me early September. All that I had imagined and how I had seen it unfold, all went down the tube in that moment. I left her office in a daze that day.

At the first appointment with Dr. Angel, she had seen that I had a rash where they would need to do the surgery. She felt it was a fungal rash. I had thought it was a detox possibly from the essential oils I was using as a protocol to help treat the cancer. When I saw her the second time she felt it was eczema. I have never had eczema in my life. I now realize just how sensitive I am to regular band-aid tapes, and the one they used after my biopsy, well that mark is still very much there to this day and that’s been over 2 months already. So I began using the prescribed creams even though I’m really not fond of anything that’s medically prescribed. I also stopped using the essential oils (for now). I was told that there wouldn’t be able to do surgery until that cleared up. What I do know is that I need to go back again to the day of the biopsy in my mind and do more EFT/tapping on the deep anger that was very present that day. It needs to get cleared that out of my system. That could very well be what’s lingering below the surface that might be allowing this rash to not completely clear up. It’s the weirdest thing, but at the same time I know without a doubt that my body is talking to me and I need to listen and do something about it more than I have done.

So later this week, I go back to see surgeon #1. The one who diagnosed me in July. I hope that she will give the go-ahead with the surgery and that I will have an idea of what the date will be. This is the next stage that I need to go through.

Overall, I’m beginning to feel my energy levels going up and feel better most days. The supplements I’m taking and the things I’m doing I know are helping. The past 10 days or so, insomnia has kicked back into gear for me again. The naturopath really wants me to be able to continue to take the stronger dosage of melatonin, it has many benefits apparently. Right now I have cut it back to see how it might make a difference. I may try cutting it out completely for a few days like she suggested and then introduce it a little at a time. I get almost constant low-grade headaches and at times so much brain fog that it makes it hard for me to focus on what I used to be able to focus on. But I sense that is there for a reason for the brain fog and that it might be there to help me let go of how I have done too many things, for too long. Just my thought on this.

So there you have it, in a big nutshell… it’s where I’m at.

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  1. It’s where you’re at and it’s ok. Clarity will come, things will unfold. I continue to pray for you and your family. May you be surrounded with love and strength and feel it from within too. ♥
    Maryse recently posted..As of August 18, 2015My Profile

  2. Mary Dowdy says:

    Bonjour my beautiful cousin,

    I love you so much and my prayers are ging out for youand all of your family.

  3. I continue to see you in the perfect health that each inch forward leads you to! I hope you know that in those times when the brain fog overwhelms you and it seems there is no movement forward at all, that we still hold you in our loving thoughts.

  4. Holding the space with love for your healing and soul’s evolution through this challenging journey. I’ll also see beautiful openings happening for your son, so that you can have some peace around that. Blessings to you and your whole family. xoxo

  5. Dearest, beautiful Suzanne,

    I am sending you love and heart. Things are unfolding in the way that they should; there are no mistakes. That probably sounds trite and like little consolation. My hope is that the “rash” or whatever it is may actually be pointing you back to Dr. Angel #1 … even if it means October. And perhaps your body needs a bit of time before surgery. Maybe your heart and spirit need a bit of time, too. It’s hard to know and it’s hard to trust when we are deep in the depths of unknown territory.

    I think of you daily and am sending love and prayers to you.

    • Hello Becky. It’s so nice to hear from you. Thank you for the daily love and prayers you send my way. 🙂

      I believe that this time was needed before the surgery, the delay or detour if you will. But I’ll get there. Scheduled surgery is early next month. There’s a tremendous amount of trust that is needed.

  6. Thanks everyone for your thoughts and well wishes. Things are progressing and going in the right direction I feel. Surgery coming early next month.


  1. […] inching along, resting ever so slightly, moving fast at times and then returning to the pause every now and again […]

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