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Taking Steps... — suzanne-mcrae.com

Taking steps…

During the last 5 days I have gone from feeling strong, confident, grounded, laughing a lot more than usual, to also feeling unimpressed about the breast cancer diagnosis. Yesterday, I began feeling all sorts of emotions surfacing wanting my attention, along with feelings of being overwhelmed and so scattered.

So far I’m not just overwhelmed by the “cancer” issue, and how I’m going to deal with this to heal, but also by a few other big challenges in my family life. Yesterday I felt so scattered, that I couldn’t focus and the emotions were coming in like tidal waves. I was frozen in place. I guess I can say that I’m grateful that over the last two years I experienced and learned how to process my emotions a lot better due to what our daughter has gone through in her life that has had a tremendous impact on me. There’s no doubt that this will help me now. I don’t like feeling so much, emotions can be painful. Emotions make you face pretty quick and pretty intensely what you aren’t dealing well with.

On Friday my husband was home so that liberated my time from caring for our son. I went for a massage in the morning and it helped me relax. In the afternoon a good friend who has offered to support me however I needed her to she said… well I put her to work. She is very good with EFT (tapping) and has helped me for several years. She knows her stuff. I called her and asked if she had a jack hammer, and was she willing to do a session with me that afternoon. She was there and told me to come on down. I prayed all the way there while driving to her place. I was asking God to help us both during the session, and to bring to the surface what needed to be revealed and healed so the cancer no longer needs to exist inside of me.

Something definitely cracked opened for me before the end of our session together. An old issue that’s been worked on many (many) times before was brought back to the surface and it got worked on again. I just couldn’t believe how much was buried inside of me around that issue, and who knows there might still be some residue left I don’t know. I started the session with some intense stomach pains. I knew we had to go and see what that was about, what did the pain want me to know. I really sensed that there was a connection with the energy that was stuck in my stomach, more my belly button had a connection probably to my breast cancer. Since that session, I don’t have the pains in my body that were often there before. Our emotions are so inter-connected with every part of our being from the physical body, the mental and spiritual as well and if it doesn’t get dealt with properly it really impacts our wellbeing and remains lodged inside of us.

I spoke to someone yesterday in my up-line at Young Living. She shared more information with me than what I already had about cancer. I’ve been using a few of the cancer protocols with the essential oils since I found the lump in my breast. I’m doing a lot of the right things with their products to help heal my situation, but there’s more that I can do still and I need to also really ramp up the quantity of the oils that I’m using. This will be today’s task to look at the new information and place my order for this next month’s supply, and put some sort of a plan in place that will feel in alignment with me. I refuse to sit on the side-lines waiting for more tests and results and to be told what I need to go through with the medical route. I will certainly listen and then base my final decision on that and my research and beliefs. There have been miracles with Young Living, some people have healed themselves of stage 4 cancer. I truly believe that this could be a possibility for myself as well if I believe in it wholeheartedly. I’m not decided yet if this will be the only route I will take or not, or if it will be a combination of both. But this will no doubt be a personal decision that I need to take with regards to how I want to treat the cancer.

Looking at the options of lumpectomy and radiation or mastectomy it all feels so drastic for me. But I will also not be irresponsible and not do it, if I intuitively feel that this is exactly what I need in order to survive. I really, really feel the need to be able to do this my way. To feel as close to 100% confident with my decision as possible, and I’m not there yet and it scares me.

Taking Steps...

Yesterday, I managed to turn over on the counter the three books that I was given on Tuesday when I was diagnosed. I had placed them face down on the table then had moved them on the kitchen counter, and didn’t want to look at them. I was able to flip them over yesterday. Progress was made. I even opened one of the books, but didn’t read anything just closed it. I will try again when I feel that I’m ready.

Cancer Book

Last night a few hours of insomnia again in the middle of the night. So I got up to read online about the kind of breast cancer I was told I have. That wasn’t helping calm me, so I switched over to listening to a few EFT youtube videos about breast cancer and did some tapping. It felt much better and more productive and healing for me. During those hours the cat needed to go outdoors even though it was trying hard to storm, then our son was still awake watching his late night shows in the wee-hours of the morning. Our household never sleeps at the same time it seems and makes it incredibly difficult to ever get the rest that each of us needs. There’s always someone that’s awake and usually that’s our son, and at times myself because of the insomnia that comes and goes. With our son that doesn’t sleep most nights I go to bed at night always with one eye open and one ear tuned in to any unusual sounds, in attempt to make sure he doesn’t get into trouble, which he has recently. He’s going through so much and he doesn’t have the same outlets as we do so he can cope better. One day this will be sorted out too I hope. I can only pray for miracles for this also to happen because I don’t have many solutions right now of how to help him with some of the stuff that’s hard for him.

The day I was diagnosed with cancer this week, my husband and I took action and got the ball rolling for our son who has autism. We contacted the agency that looks after helping to find a residence or home where they can go live or any other services that families need for their adult child. He had been on a waiting list since he was 18, he’s now 25 years old. Services through the government are so incredibly limiting, that it still could have taken a few more decades for him to get a residential placement. I heard this mentioned more than once in the past. Talk about giving families hope to ever receive any help. I also know that when there’s an urgent crisis situation such as ours with the diagnosis of cancer, then that gets you to the top of the urgent services list right away. So there, that’s where we find ourselves situated right now. And it’s a painful place to be and know that we are getting ready to cross a big bridge with him.

It’s been years and years and years that my husband and I have been stuck, frozen in fear not able to move forward with this. We probably didn’t realize that we’d be aging as fast as we have and certainly didn’t ever think we’d be facing all the challenges and health crisis that we are both experiencing. We have several valid reasons, from past experiences we’ve personally been through with both our kids that has severely affected our ability to get this done and not wait for an emergency.

So the ball is rolling. I just can’t do it anymore. Being a 24/7 caregiver/mom takes its toll. It’s not because I don’t want to do it, but because it’s not healthy for any of us anymore. I’m needing to deal with any feelings of guilt or of feeling that I may be abandoning my child. Good Lord!! 25 years, is like a full-time career and there I find myself with no retirement date in view from this mom role. So it’s time. We have done more than what is humanly possible for him. He’s at an age where he needs to fly with his own wings, and learn from other people and have different experiences. He’s no different than most young people that age, at some point there’s a resistance to what parents try to tell you, or try to teach you its no different for him and the intense resistance that is felt is telling us something. Get moving on this Mom and Dad. So this coming week there’s a meeting set up to help get us the immediate support we will need so I can get to my appointments and most importantly get some much needed healing time for myself. And there’s another door that the universe is also opening up for us that could bring about many good things with regards to what we are seeking for our son. We have to trust, believe and feel into it as if it’s already happening. This is a very emotional time for us as a family to be going through this. I haven’t even been able to figure out how this will be explained to him when his comprehension is good, and the use of language is not his strength. I’m putting it out there that the Universe will bring us the information we need to do this well with him so it will be a smooth transition for each of us.

This is a really hard time for each of us in our family right now, more than its ever been. We are all so burnt out and exhausted from decades of intense challenges and struggles. There is a lot of emotional stuff we are all going through. There are days where I can’t help but worry a bit about what is going to happen to each of us.

So my inner battle is not so much with this cancer in this moment, I don’t want this to be about “fighting” cancer. I’m like my son that way, there are many words that are triggers for me, that don’t quite feel right. So I find what works for me and fighting this thing, sounds off for me, at least in this moment. I know that I have something to learn from this. There is a lesson or perhaps several lessons that I need to figure out so I can heal. I sense that I have begun tapping into that lesson already. This journey as I see it, in my first week anyway is going to be more about finding myself, navigating through the layers of unresolved issues perhaps also. Begin more seriously to really embrace wholeheartedly “my” deepest desires and wishes in life, and dive into that. I also sense that I’m being nudged to grow, to go beyond what I have experienced in life and make changes. I need to put my focus there. This is where I’m finding myself in this moment. I know some of the things I have to do, all the while learning to let go and free myself so I can do it. The nurturing, mothering role I was blessed with 27 years ago, I took very seriously, and now I need to learn to let go where it’s no longer needed, or where I sense it’s become unbalanced and turn some of that mothering, nurturing, and love towards myself also. What I have given for so long, I now need to learn to give to myself.

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  1. I pray that one day you will tell us what me son told me a week ago: “I’m actually glad I got sick, that’s the extent of my recovery.”
    Listen to the voice inside, ask for help, and nurture yourself. Sending you lots and lots of love!

  2. Suzanne you are so courageous. When we put thoughts out into the Universe they don’t always transpire in the way we envisage or hope. As you say you are in need of rest from 24/7 parenting and your cancer will now speed this process up. Your son sounds like he is also ready for his next big step in his journey. There was an exercise that I connected with recently it was something that the Universe sent me to do one night as I lay awake maybe if it resonates with you, you can try it. I received to have a phone conversation with my body part that ached, to ask it questions and listen to its answers. This was an amazing experience. The conversation went into depths that I did not know I was holding on to, it travelled completely away from where it started into depths that I did not know existed. I don’t remember how the conversation ended as I must have drifted off to sleep, awakening in the morning feeling like I had had the most amazing, relaxing sleep than I had managed in a very long time – and no more body aches! Follow the journey that is right for you Suzanne xx

  3. Release. That’s the word that came to me as I was reading the last paragraph, Suzanne. Release your caregiving role, release your son to his soon to be new living situation, release the cancer…

    I’ve watched several of my autistic clients, young men around your son’s age, make the transition from their family home to a group home. It’s always turned out better for all involved, every single time. You’re doing the right thing.

    So glad you work with EFT!

    • Susan, I believe every single word you shared about your experience with many your autistic clients. I can see it… I can feel it… I know this will be be true for our son as well. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. <3

  4. Annette Bourdeau says:

    Do not waste any time feeling guilty about getting residential support for your son. First, if he could express it, he probably wants a place of his own too. And there comes a time when others are better equipped to care for them than us. You will still be there for the family support, just not 24/7. Believe me, you will be surprised how much of your time he will still require.

    It looks like you have understood the message the cancer brought. It is time to take care of Suzanne.

  5. Mary Levac says:

    One of the hardest things to do is the decision that our children have to move on. No guilty feeling, you have brought him to where he is today, the fine young man with a good life ahead of him. It is now your turn. Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers, stay strong

    • I’m getting there Mary. Letting go of guilty feelings that I may not have done enough, or all the right things for him… I’m there I feel. I have released loads of guilt lately. I did the very best I could and then some. Grateful for the lessons in this too. <3

  6. oh friend.
    I feel this to the bottom of my being.
    Prayers that you’ll feel the love hovering strong over you,
    destroying the cancer cells, repairing and replenishing your healthy ones,
    and sending invigorating energy into your hope.
    Believing with and for you, Suzanne, for supernatural healing and comfort
    and peace and provision for every need you and your lovies have.
    And protection for your mind. That your thoughts be ones that heal.
    Much, much love,
    Jennifer Richardson recently posted..There may always come a breeze……My Profile

  7. Suzanne, Sending love for all of you during this intense time!
    Janet recently posted..Creative and AliveMy Profile

  8. Gabriella says:

    You completely nailed it. It’s about you, now, Suzanne.

    What I admire most is despite the overwhelm, you are choosing to take time to soak it in and make decisions you are as comfortable with as possible. Sometimes, we are rushed to make choices and find ourselves in a whirlwind of unknowns. As a result, we have our own power removed from under us. You have control over so much of what you’re dealing with, and I admire your strength to honor it , no matter the final decision.

    Thank you for sharing with us. We are learning so much from you and from one another in the comments. Thank you.

  9. Suzanne, writing about the breast cancer is definitely part of your calling. You are able to express yourself so clearly and so well that others who haven’t been through this experience can almost feel the emotions and know the thoughts!

    It is your time now to focus on you, as the Universe seems to be looking after the other responsibilities that you are about to surrender. My nightly prayers include you and your family.

    Thank you for keeping us all informed of your progress during this process. xo

  10. These emotions are all to be expected, so no judgements allowed. Just let if all flow. Writing about it must help process your thoughts. I have read every word. I hear you and I feel you deeply. Surrender to the care you need to accept from others and give to yourself. Much love.
    Naomi recently posted..Do you trust your experiences?My Profile

  11. Caroline says:

    Dearest Suzanne… I’m sending much love for the next steps on your healing journey. xxx

  12. Oh ♡Suzanne dear One, Bless you and your soft and beautiful heart♡
    Here you are facing another challenge, another journey, another tragedy……Thank you for inviting us/me into your world.

    I imagine your precious body and soul enfolded in a wrap that is sooooo sensual and sacred that is made from the most silken-soft, velvety smooth fabric so that you feel every cell in your body is being caressed and blessed by a mix of angel’s wings, delicate flower petals, feather-down and all your most favourite sacred and precious things……and within that wrap you are being totally held, nurtured, nourished, mothered and healed…… ♡

    Like ♡Susan I am so glad you have EFT Tapping. Such an every-ready tool we always have.

    May you always have all the support. knowledge. hope. that you need – and please reach out to me for any support. knowledge. hope. you think I may give you.
    Sharing a link to a song that is special for me right now by the very beautiful ♡Lucinda Drayton who’s concert I was so lucky to go to a couple of weeks ago……she ended the concert with this song…….let it touch your heart and nurture you♡ – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY4Z76JTVwI
    There are all sorts of Angels around you watching over you, including Earth ones. You are not alone.

    You have been there sooooooooo many times for me on the other side of the world, giving me a load of compassion, BIG ♡LOVE and sending waves of peace and healing my way……it’s my turn now.
    Always remember although you are so far away geographically – you are close in my heart as a kindred sister.
    Sweet ♡LOVE dear One.

    • Hi Susie, thank you sooooooo much for dropping by with your lovely kind hearted support. I truly feel you close by and really appreciate you being here. The <3 The Hundred Thousand Angels by Your Side song... beautiful!! <3

  13. Rebecca Renkas says:

    I just read your blog post and my heart goes out to you and your whole family. I pray that your able to give yourself all the time that will be needed in order to rest and heal. Please take care of yourself and Im so glad that you have such great friends who’s healing modalities are helping you. Take care.

  14. Suzanne, I love that you are not “fighting cancer”. This, like all our journeys, is simply one to go on, to be taken, to awaken what is deep within us and to see the amazing person we become. I know this isn’t the easiest of paths to take, but walking gently, with wide eyes and an open heart, yes yes this is so much better than fighting, although I’m sure there will be very very hard and very very dark and scary parts. Please know that our thoughts are with you as you wander on alone making the best choices you can for yourself and everyone you love. <3

  15. Sandy King says:

    I’m grateful you shared your truth Suzanne. It’s not easy to put into words all the confusion we feel when we are caught in the eye of a storm. But I’m honoured to be listening in to what your reality is challenging you with. Sometimes it feels good just to get our thoughts out of our heads and look at them. There can be clarity in that for sure. I believe you are a gifted and beautiful soul and that you will walk the walk with grace and dignity and feel supported in making the right decisions for YOU. Here for you across the country but near and dear in
    my heart, supporting you in any way I can.

  16. Your thoughts… your love… your support… can be felt. To each of you… thank you!! <3

  17. Dawn Conery says:

    The lesson I am currently learning in my life is Self Care. Sounds wonderful and seems simple enough but it is not always easy to focus on. Many of us are just not programmed for taking that much care of ourselves. But…it is a valuable lesson and a sweet peaceful thing if we let it be. Self Care is certainly knocking on your door Suzanne. I will pray that you are nourished and find contentment my friend. <3

    • I’m so happy to hear that you are learning about Self-Care right now Dawn. Its always a good thing for us to learn to do. Thank you for your thoughts. <3 All the best to you too. <3

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