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No one wants to hear the word "cancer" — suzanne-mcrae.com

No one wants to hear the word “cancer”

No one… I believe absolutely no one wants to hear the word “cancer”. Two days ago, these piercing words were told to me… “you have breast cancer”.

We must embrace pain and use it as fuel for our journey!

Those few words, I wanted to throw back where they came from, but that was not an option. I looked over at my husband who was there to support me, and he was as shocked as I was.

The doctor not letting us swallow what we had just heard, began telling me what my options would be. I just wanted to tell her first to sit down, so she could be at my eye level to talk to me, but she just stood there with her ankles crossed about five feet away. That didn’t go well, but I was not in my happiest place, and I needed something, anything and rightfully so to complain about. I was trying to diffuse the loaded bullet that had just hit me smack in the heart. I’m sure the specialist was nervous. I truly don’t envy the job they have of announcing to their patients what they are dealing with but I didn’t change my mind about wishing she would just sit down.

Going back a few months I went through 2 full months with so much insomnia that I barely slept. Hour after hour on end of being awake at night. I took that time to do a lot of Reiki on myself because I could feel a shooting breast pain going on and a bit of swelling that was noticeable some days. I prayed for many hours each night. I wondered what that pain was about. Because I’m not someone to go see a doctor very often, the insomnia and pain needed to persist probably. It persisted until I found a lump one night and then the light went on in my head, wake up… THIS is trying to tell you something.

I didn’t waste any time that I got myself to the doctor’s office one Saturday when they had their walk-in clinic opened. It was also the day that our niece was getting married, on May 23rd. How could I be dealing with this issue, and going to a wedding the same day. Talk about a variety of emotions flowing through me, from feeling so much joy and happiness to be seeing our beautiful niece getting married… to feeling sheer fear in the pit of my stomach, all the while trying to put on a brave and happy face that day.

It only took two weeks before I went for a mammogram and ultrasound which was done on June 8th. I was immediately told that a biopsy would be needed just to rule out anything, but they told me, we aren’t suspecting that anything is wrong. But I could read between the lines. I felt that there was a concern without them saying a word.

On June 24th I met up my husband in town where he works and we drove together to the Women’s Breast Health Centre. I was not in a happy place that day. I was feeling a lot of anger. He tried to do small talk, but it’s surprising that I didn’t chew off his head, poor guy. I needed silence. I needed to go through what I was feeling. The biopsy was performed, they needed to take out 5 good samples they told me. Well 5 good samples in my case meant being poked with that gadget of theirs 9 times. They apologized for having to do this. The denseness of my breast tissue made it harder for them to get to the lump to take the breast tissue that was needed to be analyzed. Not only was I angry, I could feel the anger in my breast just screaming with pain. I drove back home in kind of in a daze… a long hour’s drive to be in a daze but I got back safely.

On July 14th, just a few days ago I met with the surgeon to discuss the results. Again I was extremely grateful that my husband took time off of work to come with me. This time we did a lot of talking I was much calmer and in a better space until I got the results… then a shock wave hit me.

Early that morning an email came “A note from the Universe, telling me… “Don’t be angry, Suzanne. Not ever. It’s not worth it. It’s not necessary. There is always a higher road.” So I held on to those words that morning and did my best not to go into anger as I heard about the cancer diagnosis and instead begin looking at what taking a higher road might look like for me.

So the social media break that I decided to take until early September I believe was for this reason without me realizing it. I will need time to explore my options, think things through very thoroughly, do some deep soul searching, and research not only the medical route but also the alternative route as well as energy healing/Reiki and the pros and cons of each together. I will need a tremendous amount of courage that much I know.

After my upcoming MRI early next week I will get more news. They need to do the MRI because of the dense tissue to make sure nothing is missed. So far I was told I have two options: surgery… lumpectomy and remove samples from a few lymph nodes (sorry if these are not explained properly I only retained so much that day) to see what might be happening there, followed by 5 weeks of radiation OR she said I could opt to get the mastectomy right away. None of this appeals to me, at all. So back to the deep soul searching until I am 100% sure of my decision.

The challenges in our family’s life has been tremendous. I didn’t think we could deal with one more thing. Seriously, one more thing. It feels like this could break us, but yet there’s a strength and unity that can be felt from each of us. There’s no other choice but for us to buckle down and roll up our sleeves and deal with this too.

I don’t doubt that I will get through this with my family’s love and support, and the many friends and online support that I have… which already has been pouring in from every angle. I’m so grateful.

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  1. I’m sending you loving hugs and warm strength for your journey, Suzanne. It is indeed not a word anyone wants to hear. If there’s anything I can do from afar, please let me know. You are in my thoughts and prayers. ♥♥
    Maryse recently posted..Human CompassMy Profile

  2. Oh Suzanne, I’m sorry to hear you have this challenge to face, and especially at a time when you feel so stretched already. Please know I’m holding you in my heart and in prayers. In these early days there is so much to take in and so many things to think about it’s natural to feel overwhelmed. Do try to ask for what you need, and that certainly should include having the people you’re consulting with sitting at eye level. Surrounding you in much love and light.
    Deborah Weber recently posted..SOC 5: A Case of the Strange and MagicalMy Profile

  3. You know, I’m feeling I need a road trip up there to sit with you and hold your hand and drink lemonade and eat ice cream and pick flowers and stuff. I hope you have lots of women friends nearby to do these small things with you, because these are the big things you need right now. Call them and tell them you need them. So often, we are afraid to bug our friends. So often, it’s what our friends need – is to be called – because they don’t know what else to do to help.

    My heart is filled with love for you, dear Suzanne, and I do not doubt for a second you will get through this with grace. Anne Lammot says, “Grace bats last.” and ” God is like Radar O’Reilly, appearing at your elbow with His clipboard when His name has barely passed your lips, and before you’ve even heard the incoming choppers, talking over you and telling you the thing you’re in the midst of requesting is already taken care of.” Do not lose more sleep because God is taking care of everything. You know that.

    And, if you need more face to face friends, tell me. I’ll start driving north.

    Love you,
    Shari 🙂

    • Shari, thank you for the reminder to reach out to friends more and to do more fun things like you said. I smile when I have a vision of little you driving a big vehicle down some country side roads all the way here. 🙂

  4. Denise Sabourin says:

    I am proud that you are writing about this and open less and honestly. I hope you will continue to do so. It will not only help you with the process but everyone who is fortunate enough to read. Prayers and love to you. You will get through this. We are here to support you. Just a phone call or text away. Xox

  5. Dear Brave Girl Suzanne…just when we think we cannot handle one more thing, something inevitably happens that challenges us. Can we rise to yet another challenge? I for one, don’t believe so. I do believe we can yield to the Universe, go to our knees in prayer, ask questions, and that it is OKAY to be afraid and doubt. We are only human… perfectly imperfect.

    My husband and I have also had a challenging couple of weeks. Our surviving son was admitted to the hospital after going to the emergency room with dire symptoms. It took the hospital staff a long time to come to a definitive diagnosis of Meckel’s Diverticulum , a congenital defect of the intestines. He ended up having surgery last Friday night, and then had complications, but is now on the mend. I was angry and frustrated by the lack of urgency demonstrated by the hospital staff and didn’t understand why they kept giving him blood transfusions instead of finding the cause of the bleeding! Being so far away, I felt helpless and at the mercy of people who thought we were overly-involved parents, but we lost one child because the “professionals” thought they knew best. I was frightened that it might happen again.

    Just know that life is always predictably unpredictable. We are here for you and sending love and light your way… Here’s a big cyber (((HUG))) for you my dear one.

    • Diane, I’m so sorry to hear all that you have been going through as a family once again and with your son’s health. I pray that he’s on the mend and that all is going much better for him. Thank you for your lovely comment, and the HUG of course. I appreciate you. <3

  6. Wow, Suzanne. I wish I could take it all away for you. So saddened to hear about this, but of course “there is a higher road.” Definitely! And I am positive you will care for yourself as well as you can. Life is so fragile, it seems all of a sudden. I love you and I wish you comfort and peace and only good news from here…
    Naomi recently posted..Do you trust your experiences?My Profile

  7. Oh, Suzanne, I am so sorry to hear this. Because it is not something anyone wants to hear and because you do have a lot of challenges already. May love surround you and your loved ones and your health support people. I will picture all of you in wonderful healing light.
    Janet recently posted..Creative and AliveMy Profile

  8. Dawn Conery says:

    Sometimes life does suck!! Big time!!! At least we still have it . Thank God!

    Still praying for you and Gary and the kids. All the hurdles you have faced in life may have just prepared you for this one. Huggs friend. Dawn

  9. Dearest Suzanne as I begin this I sit not knowing exactly what to say, what to write, yet the feelings in my heart for you are immense. Firstly Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us all as through all of your beautiful writings, Im sure we have all learnt a little bit more about ourselves. This is a true gift of sharing from within you. Maybe another place to view this new health journey from is that the Universe is showing you how strong you are and not defeating you by adding ‘one more thing’. Have faith Suzanne that the Universe, God, Angels. Guides, Spirit, Elementals have all heard your journey, your thoughts, your prayers and are doing all they can now to honour your deepest wishes, filling you with strength and courage, with love both from within and without. I know that in the physical realm I live a great distance from you yet energetically we are all close. If there is in any way that my gifts may be of help for you, please do not hesitate to request these – energy healing, communicating with your tumour, energy connection, clearing, boosting with you and your family, your close support network. Sending loving thoughts and energy for you are your family.

    • Jill, I so appreciate your encouraging and supportive positive thoughts about this next part of my healing journey, with how supported I am. I would love to contact you about your generous offer and ask more questions. But my mind is drawing a blank for your last name and I’m not sure if I have your contact information.

  10. Chère nièce
    Quelle grandeur d’âme tu as
    Quelle force, quelle énergie
    Ce sont ces forces qui vont t’aider à passer au travers cette épreuve
    La guérison par les forces universelles combinée avec la médecine traditionelle vont sûrement avoir des résultats positifs
    Je t’aime ma grande
    Je prie pour toi
    Tante Gilberte

  11. Beautiful Suzanne! Oh, I hate that this is happening … I know we need to trust and be open and I also know if anyone has the tools, the power, the gifts to move through this with grace, courage, determination and insight into the gifts available, it is you. That your body and intuition spoke so clearly to you AND you listened, that is huge and that is where you can lean in and trust. Sending you so much love … I hope you can feel the love and support surrounding you and available to you. Always. Think of us all as your pit crew, at the ready for you. xoxo
    Lisa recently posted..friendship *My Profile

    • Lisa, I sure feel all the love and support that surrounds me. Its what helps me get through some of the scarier times. Thank you for believing that I can do this, and helping me see it and begin to believe it. Much love to you. <3

  12. Reaching out to give you a great big hug. You’re in my prayers and if you need to rant, or anything else, I’m available to listen.
    Linda Watson recently posted..It’s SummertimeMy Profile

  13. Caroline says:

    Dearest Suzanne… thank you for having the courage to share your journey with us. It is soooo not deserved, AND you are a shining example of how anyone can overcome with the help of their friends and family. I’m sending much love and healing wishes for your journey… and I’m sure that your blog posts will help many others! xxx

  14. Oh Susanne, I was SO shocked to read this. It is probably my largest fear in life, having had my mom pass from breast cancer, to get it myself. It sounds like, hopefully, things have been caught early! You are such a bright light, I know you and your family will make it through. Look at you already looking for the high road. I know this is going to take a lot of courage and energy. I’ll be checking in on your here from time to time (i am the worst at keeping up with blogs but I definitely want to know whats happening).

    I know we only really know each other through words written these years, but they have been close words… if you need anything, I am here. Much love! You got this, warrior woman!

    • Sarah, I’m so sorry to hear that you loss your mom from breast cancer. Thank you for dropping in to leave a comment. I will try and be the warrior woman… and if I can’t for whatever reason, I will think of you warrior woman yourself who’s risen above so much in life. You are an inspiration to me. Blessings to you!! <3

  15. To each and everyone of you who have left me a comment, I really appreciate it. Thank you. <3


  1. […] strong, confident, grounded, laughing a lot more than usual, to also feeling unimpressed about the breast cancer diagnosis. Yesterday, I began feeling all sorts of emotions surfacing wanting my attention, along with […]

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