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What A Year It's Been, 2014 — suzanne-mcrae.com

What A Year It’s Been, 2014

Today, the end of another year… an intense year for me, and to be completely honest a very intense few years.

Two years ago today I wrote a blog post 2013 New Year – The Journey Inward little did I know what was truly coming. What I didn’t realize is where the *imaginary boat* I was in while loss at sea was going to be taking me.

I will share with you some of my posts I wrote in 2013 that show where the energy of 2014 continued to take me…

Surrendering into the Energy of 2013

the pull of your soul

Awakening to One’s Soul

Awakening to my Soul

A Journey into the Soul (one of my favourite posts) 😉

A Journey into the Soul

Healing reactions (crises) was very much a huge thing for me to deal with in 2013. In 2014 this continued on and off, at times so excruciatingly painful and feeling like I could barely open my mouth or feeling like it was almost sewn shut making it hard to eat or even speak. It’s been hard to hide from the world, when everywhere I went the world could see my face and it clearly showed the pain I was experiencing. I felt disfigured and didn’t want to be seen. I am beginning to understand and grasp the meaning behind these healing crises and I’m slowly finding my way through when the flare-ups come. I seem to be more capable of resolving each wave of these crises that comes for the most part. It requires a deep commitment to myself, to going inward and doing the work. I have experienced very few other things in my life that have been as painful as this. I’m determined. I want to get to the root of this and intend to move through and beyond it once and for all. It certainly has taught me some pretty tough lessons.


This year has brought me out to sea and left me there to find my way back to what I call my inner home… to my soul, to that place of wisdom and truth that resides inside of me. I have felt all alone to navigate the rough seas… just me, the raft and the silence.


you can read about it here how I began listening to that deeper inner voice that began speaking to me…

Entering into the Sacred Silence of my Soul!

Turning Inward

In September 2013, a big part of my world came crashing down and I’m still trying to pick up the pieces that were fragmented from the effect this has had on me. Our daughter had a breakdown that month. It all came on with such an incredible force, unlike anything I had ever seen. We knew some things were brewing below the surface but had no clue what. Whether we liked it or not, this rippled out into our family life. It took a little while for this new reality we were faced with to fully begin to sink in. We knew at the deepest parts of our being that a member of our family had been brought down and it hurt… it hurt so badly. There was very little that we could do. We felt so totally helpless. Our daughter soon found out she was dealing with Complex-PTSD, but there was more that would be added to this.

Dear Daughter

The blog post I wrote on her birthday just a few months before her breakdown has become one of the most viewed posts on my website.

To the girl who means the world to this mother… you can click on the link just below to read just how much my daughter means to me…

Birthday Wishes for you Dear Daughter

Our daughter documents and shares the good, the bad and the ugly about her journey online with dealing with the effects of Complex-PTSD and the chronic illness she’s faced with. So I won’t be doing that here. But I do want to share as time goes on where this has brought me. Just in case you are wondering, she has given me permission to share about what she is going through here. I am grateful for her, having given me permission to share here since my journey always seems to include in one way or another my family. I wouldn’t know where to begin writing and sharing if I couldn’t share about all the pieces of myself and that often includes those that are closest to me, my family.

In the fall of 2013, her sudden and unexpected move out of our family home left us clinging to nothing that looked familiar anymore in our lives. It felt like we had loss our daughter in many ways. We had so many unanswered questions about what was happening. The tears that were shed could have filled an ocean I’m sure. Thank God for good therapists that have helped us. Very slowly I began to find my way and began to accept what was happening as well as I could. My husband and I both went through so much, not to mention our autistic son. What we experienced cannot even be put into words yet.

About 3 months ago, our daughter moved back home with us. We were so happy to see her return. Shortly after that time of coming back home she was diagnosed with a chronic illness called POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) – a form of Dysautonomia. Her life has been severely affected. This young woman, my daughter is one of the bravest, strongest and most courageous people I have ever met in my entire life. To have gone through as much as she has, and yet she continues to find the courage to keep on persevering. I must say that both her and my grandmother … are my heroes.

As a mother, my heart has been shattered so many times recently. There been so much guilt, shame and all sorts of emotions coming up that wanted to be dealt with that I have wondered where it had all been buried. All the unresolved stuff that I had dragged around all of my life surfaced and its been wanting for me to deal with it. This is still a work-in-progress and will be for a while. I am very grateful for good therapists. It’s been on quite the rough journey. I have also felt forced me to begin making peace with the fact that both of our adult children are now dealing with conditions that are limiting and disabling to them. I have had to accept that their journey through life, is not my journey. It’s not mine to travel and that is hard, because I’m the kind of person that likes to make things better, to fix things. There have been so many difficult and painful lessons to learn.

Kind gesture

During the past 15 months, going through this incredibly difficult and emotional time in my life, so many people, so many that I call earth angels came into my life in a big way. All of them bringing gifts. I cannot even begin to share all that I received in such a short period. It had to have been divinely orchestrated. Someone was making sure that I was well supported and looked after during this time.

So to each of you in your own unique and special way that were there for me shining your inner light … showing me the way through some of my darkest and most challenging times … helping me to see that my own inner light was there, was not extinguished like I felt it on so many days … on the days when I didn’t have any courage to carry on, you helped me see that I wasn’t the coward or failure that I saw myself to be … and with that I began seeing glimpses of who I truly was … and began sensing an inner strength returning … seeing my own inner light, and the tiniest of flicker of light finally beginning to grow again. It hasn’t been a clear-cut path. I often felt lost in the thick of the forest, (read about one of those adventures here), where there were so many trees, where the light could barely come through and I wasn’t able to see where this part of my journey wanted to take me. I had to trust even though I don’t think I did that very well.

So with all the chaos, confusion, the letting go I had to do, the facing of some of my demons, finding my way out of the forest, coming back from being lost at sea, to emergencies I had to deal with some of my loved ones also this year, to our daughter’s situation she is faced with and the impact it had, to me trying to find my way through and out of these healing crises that I keep having… it’s.been.one.heck.of.a.year and I am grateful to have survived. I sense that thriving is going to come for me from all that I experienced this past year. I can honestly say that I am finding my way through my journey in life, which I now realize is all about my return home, to myself.

Sending blessings out into the world… on this eve of the new year that’s about to begin… 2015!!

Wishing each and everyone a Happy New Year… may your life, your world be filled and blessed with an over abundance of love and peace in your hearts. xo

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  1. A blessed 2015 for you and yours, my dear. May it shine with fortitude and love and healing!

    I’m throwing this in here because this man has brought me back from the pit of PTSD: Gary Blier at Advanced Cell Training. They have a great Facebook page and a website too. I’m not getting any commission or anything from them. I simply believe he can help with chronic issues. My son was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis last week and is going to start a class with Gary next week. The worst it will do is nothing. The best? Tons of healing. Much love to you always! ♥

    • Maryse, I’m so happy that you shared with us about your journey back to wellbeing after PTSD. I’ll be sure to check out the information you shared. All the best to your son, and that he be able to get as good results as you did.

  2. Wow Suzanne, I’m so glad you shared your heart and soul here. It takes such courage to write like you do, but everytime you do this it touches us in such a profound way. We all lead such deep and complex lives. As mothers we care so much it hurts. It’s easy to just bury pain. But it never stays down long. I wish for you this year lots of space to breathe. Healing light and strength to your beautiful children. Wholeness and love in your marriage.

  3. Dearest Suzanne,
    I feel so much when reading your words. The worry and guilt we carry as mothers. The constant state of dissonance we wrestle with in trying to listen to our hearts, souls and mind (that’s usually our biggest problem). And, then, this knowing and believing that we are on this journey that we have not the slightest idea of where it’s leading us. All of it given to us as gifts to teach us the lessons we need, helping us to continue to shed the layers of conditioning that keep us stuck in our untruths. Lord knows, it doesn’t feel like that much of the time – how much can we take?? But, underneath every storm, we discover more light.

    I feel it all because I’m walking it with you, friend. Please know I’m holding your hand as you write and as you walk the path. Even if only through spirit.

    Love you ~
    Shari 🙂

    • We never realize who else might be on a similar journey until we share with open an open heart. Thank you for holding my hand… I feel your presence in a big way. xo

  4. Thank you Suzanne for bearing your soul so bravely here, especially in connection with your family. I hear and feel your pain…so much of life shifts as our children move into adulthood. All the hopes and dreams we pinned to them as they moved through the ages and stages and then once they arrive at this critical juncture, very little is as we expected it would be. We have to adjust, sometimes with broken hearts at the messes that seem to be everywhere, as we stand there baffled wondering which decisions in the past may have led to this or brought us here.

    I really appreciate you putting words to something that seems to touch the hearts of many of us women standing at the crossroads of midlife, as all the second guessing, doubts and deep hidden fears emerge when we see our children stumble. We come face-to-face with how little control we really have to direct their fragile lives. But nonetheless, there is a cruel kind of soul-searching that happens now, that was less evident while we ran to keep up with the daily tasks of young motherhood.

    Just as no one really tells you how painful childbirth really is, few are willing to talk about the slippery slope that parenting young adult children is…how many potential wolves there are at the door. It needs to be spoken about so that we know we’re not alone in that quaking fear that makes us question what, if anything, we could have done differently.

    I rarely share such thoughts with anyone, but they haunt me, just the same. You are not alone Suzanne…there are acres and acres of us holding on through giant tidal waves of shock and grief and confusion. Your words unite us and help me trust that these storms will one day pass or at the very least, I’ll be better at accepting them.

    Hugs and prayers for you Suzanne and a bow to the brave writer spirit that keeps the flame lighting the way through the darkness, so that we can have the faith to continue.

    May this be a year of healing, light and big gulps of joy!

    • Victoria, your sharing rang so true for me. You shared it so well in ways that I have not been able to. It almost feels like we (my family) are all waiting for some things to shift, others to heal, others to gain clarity, or transform and find their place wherever that might be or however it might need to look like.

      And like you shared so beautifully, the crossroads of mid-life for women. A time of shifting our attention more towards ourselves. You are so right that there’s a cruel kind of soul-searching that happens for us at this time in our lives. Regardless of our situations, I think we all go through this in one way or another and more often than not we aren’t solely focussed on just this, but many other aspects of our lives from children to aging parents and everything in between.

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It certainly helps me feel not so alone and for others as well I’m sure. I gratefully accept your blessings for this year. 🙂

  5. It isn’t hard to commiserate with you Suzanne, as it has been a life-changing year for me as well. As always, thanks for sharing your heart. You are BRAVE, and you shine your light for some who are still finding their way out of the dark. Darkness ebbs and flows, like the ocean, and sometimes we can easily become tossed about if we loose our footing.

    Here’s to a brighter new year for us all.

    • I love how you said this Diane… “darkness ebbs and flows, making it too easy to lose our footing”. Thank you for coming to read my post and sharing about your year. Here’s to a better year in many ways for all of us. xo

  6. I just want to wrap you in my arms and cry for a bit…just so much
    tenderness for your pain. I’m sorry for the hurt. Grateful for the light
    that reaches into your tired places and sweetly sings restoration. You are
    so beloved. So very much loved and cared for. Holding you in the light
    with all of my heart.
    Big tenderness to you, beautiful Suzanne,
    Jennifer Richardson recently posted..An unlikely symphony…..My Profile

  7. Always so beautiful Jennifer. Thank you. This year is starting off in a much softer and gentler way. I celebrate the miles I have gone on this journey. So many emotions got processed last year. This year feels so different already, so much easier to maneuver and find my way through. I’m holding on to the energy of your words, and thank you!! I’m accepting your beautiful words and kind-heart. xo

  8. This was so beautiful, so brave Suzanne! I completely feel you, I wish I could hug you but from here I can only keep supporting you, cause 2015 will be pretty different, our year and only ours 🙂
    Lily Lau recently posted..The Most Amazing Parts Of The World Through The Eyes Of A BirdMy Profile

  9. Suzanne, what you share with such pure emotion and generosity amazes me. I love how you care for yourself and your family. It seems that you have great compassion for yourself and are giving yourself time to heal. I hope this coming year brings all that is best for you and yours. Much love.

    • Thank you for sharing your thoughts Naomi. At times the journey isn’t easy, but one must find a way to get through it and come out better somehow on the other side of it all. Thank you for your blessings for the year. xo

  10. Hi Suzanne,

    Sounds like a pretty tough year for all of you! I have also found that therapy is a great thing when you are going through a lot. I went through a year or so where I saw a therapist and she really helped me. I will always be grateful for that. I hope things get better this year. You certainly deserve better!
    Amy Putkonen recently posted..I Ching: Hexagram #17 – FollowingMy Profile

  11. Hello Suzanne, I’m so very sorry to hear of the challenges you have faced in 2014. It seems as though it was a tough year for so many. I hope that 2015 is more of a peaceful journey for you. You give so much warmth and kindness. Much love to you, dear Suzanne.

    • Malini, thank you for dropping by with so many loving thoughts. I really appreciate your kindness and understanding. I agree, it’s been a tough year for so many people. Blessings!! xo

  12. What a powerful post to start the year, opening yourself in honesty, opens yourself to the power of the universe. Thank you for inviting us in, I send you and your family many blessings and hope that love and light make their way into your lives this year.
    Suzi recently posted..Around the World Blog HopMy Profile


  1. […] the pin wheel: wind, unseen energy often causing movement (unseen energy, a lot of what has been sent our way, especially the last few years. Its ripped through our family with unseen forces like that of a major storm; powerful, destructive, not caring who was in its path, and the unseen energy of change or be changed is often what I have felt was happening and continues to make its presence known to us… a bit shared here: “What a year its been, 2014!” […]

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