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The upside down Kleenex boxes — suzanne-mcrae.com

The upside down Kleenex boxes

Around our home there are lots of upside down Kleenex boxes. It seems like such a silly thing yet it describes the extent to which our son needs these boxes to look like. They aren’t only upside down Kleenex boxes… but one where the tissue must not show at all, so it gets jammed off to one corner of the box in a nice tight little bundle making it a challenge to grab a hold of a tissue without having it come out in pieces.

On a good day this is not a huge deal and it’s never bothered me to the extent that I felt we had to work on this issue with him. Until last week when I had a runny nose one day, where reaching for a tissue every few minutes and fighting to get it out of the box in one piece was annoying me slightly. But I knew it was one that I had to have patience with.

Our son more than likely has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). We didn’t have him tested because we didn’t see the sense in sticking yet another label on him. For people who have autism, anxiety is often a big issue since they can’t always control their environment or make sense of the world they live in. And taking a pill for that just wasn’t going to cut it for me… it wasn’t going to get at the root cause of his anxiety.

We have chosen to have our son treated naturally through Heilkunst for the past six years. Rudi Verspoor has been our son’s Heilkunst practitioner, he was mine as well until a few months ago. Our son has a remedy for anxiety that he takes when things seem more challenging for him. With his regular treatment through Heilkunst, the deeper core issues (the diseased parts of the body) that show up as autistic and OCD symptoms will get cleared up and bit by bit, where the symptoms seen today will get cleared up more with time.

The one thing he does excessively is repeat… where we need to have tremendous patience most days. He has limited communication skills but enough that he can tell us what he wants… not once, not twice, sometimes 20 times or more over and over… in english, then in french, whatever ways he can find that will get it out of him, sometimes he will also write it, and then often type it on his iPad or iPod Touch to make sure we hear what he is saying. This one is like a vicious cycle for him, like the broken record… or like that of the little hamster on a wheel where he can’t get off. The anxiety is keeping him in that space which is not allowing him to relax so he can start use a lot more of the language he has accumulated. We have a strong sense that he has a lot of language in storage. We see that it’s right there almost close enough to emerge, yet cannot be accessed because of obvious reasons.

For the time being he has little control over certain things like his wish to line up our shoes at the door in a certain way; needing to go outside just before going to bed in the middle of the night; stomping a few rhythmic notes on the floor just before he is ready to go to sleep (that’s usually my cue that I can go to sleep more profoundly); to having his dresser and computer desk covered with all his things in a certain order and fashion; all this clothes hanging in his closet organized in a very specific order that makes sense to him with some hangers facing one way and others the other way; and on a certain evening every week he goes online and finds that one song he likes and sings along to it; his mealtime and bathroom routines has done in certain order… and the list goes on. There are no areas of his life that are not affected. Everything has a sequence, everything has a specific order for him and he follows it to help ease the stress and anxiety. As much as he still lives with anxiety, I cannot begin to describe how much more manageable for him at this age. He obviously has learned some good coping strategies over the last few decades and I know without a doubt the remedies are helping him clear out what needs to go.

I have had to come to a place of accepting that this is part of his journey and his purpose here on earth. He’s also here probably to teach us more patience, tolerance, acceptance and how to love unconditionally. I don’t know if he’ll get to a place of no anxiety one day, but it feels good to know that we are aware of his challenges and somehow are helping him work through it. Being consumed with OCD prevents him and holds him back in many ways from living a more fully engaged life. For now he seems unable to move faster through his healing journey than he already is doing. We have to trust that it’s serving a higher purpose for him right now.

In sharing about our son’s obsessive issues it has reminded me in a very clear way of the many tools I have learned to use over the years and that I have not been using with him to the extent I could have. It’s time to put more focus on Reiki, EFT, crystals, essential oils and whatever else I know that I can do that could also help him more. The message was received loud and clear.

I feel many people live with anxiety to a certain degree, some are better able to cope than others. I sense that the people who are living with anxiety disorders are highly sensitive people who are trying their best to be understood and live in a world that is not always predictable.

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  1. You, My Lady, are a Saint. You have many tools to draw from that I’m certain will help your son, yourself, and many more people. You taking your “alone time trip” will bring more of that into prospective.

    • Teresa, you cracked me up… me a Saint? I’m not sure about that one. But I’ll take the compliment thank you. 🙂
      The ‘alone time trip’ I know those few days will help me shift my perspective more in the direction that it needs to go… and in order to do that I need that quiet time alone. Thank you for making me smile and for the vote of confidence.

  2. I have PTSD because people close to me dealt with their fears and hurts and feeling out of control by being verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to me. Somehow the way your son deals with his anxiety feels more honest and honorable to me. Bless you for your courage and unconditional love.

    • Patti, I’m so sorry to hear how others have taken out their emotions on you in an abusive and hurtful way. Wishing for you to find peace in all of it so your life can be lived from a better place that is free of pain. Thank you for sharing.

  3. Hi Suzanne:

    Well, I’m very happy to have met you on your blog since I see that we have a lot in common, our interest in healing with Heilkunst, Reiki, energy healing, EFT, etc., and also that we are both parenting sensitive souls.

    And, I see that you were recently in Newfoundland!! I look forward to connecting more with you and learning from your reflections.


    • Hi Janice, I went to check out your website after you wrote earlier. I didn’t know how you found my website or if I had found yours before. I saw that you are in Newfoundland. It’s such a beautiful province we enjoyed our trip there so much a few months ago. I look forward to going back often to read your website/blog. I signed up for your website in my Bloglovin’ reader so I get all your new blog posts. It’s very nice meeting you. 🙂

      • Hi Suzanne: I think you found mine first because you left a comment on my Raising a Sensitive Child blog, where I talk about Heilkunst and raising my sensitive son. I also have an Everyday Miracles blog, where I talk more about energy healing. (Sorry, if I confused you!)

        I’m so glad that you enjoyed your visit to Newfoundland. I look forward to reading all of your posts about Newfoundland as it looks like you’ve been to a number of places that I have yet to visit. I’m a “come from away” in Newfoundland — my husband is a Newfoundlander and my family is in Manitoba, so we still have a lot of exploring to do on the island.

        It’s nice to meet a kindred spirit as I haven’t met many who are being treated by Heilkunst and are also interested in energy healing.

        Many blessings,

        • Hi Janice, now I know what the connection is and where I saw your website. I was confused where we might have found one another. lol I love how you speak extensively of your son’s journey with Heilkunst. You do an incredible job documenting and sharing about your journey with Heilkunst. I will be going back often to read your blog posts. I found them very inspiring. Thank you for letting me know who you are. 🙂

          We enjoyed Newfoundland a lot when we were there early June. You can write to me if you want more information about some of the places we visited.

          I also love meeting other kindred spirit on a very similar journey with their children… and energy healing.


  4. Wow.

    I thought the upside down tissue boxes were actually such a great visual for me into the mind of your son. I think it brilliant that he turns over the boxes and tucks in the tissue. This may not be his intention (or maybe it is?) … but I see this as a reminder that we can be such strict logical beings at times. Why does everything need to be right side up? Why does everything need to be “just so”? Even though you say that he is anxious and needs to have things in a certain, predictable way all the time, he may just be reminding US to let loose. Who’s to say that we aren’t the anxious ones with habits? He may actually be reflecting what he sees in OUR minds. Just a thought.

    I love that you use alternative methods with him. And, don’t beat yourself up about not being consistent with it. I go through those “intense healing sessions” (for lack of a better term), but then step back and let things just be for a while. I don’t do it intentionally – it mostly comes out of exhaustion from thinking about things too much. Then, before I start feeling bad or guilty about not being on the ball with it, I remind myself that the step back was so I could see clearly again. That’s exactly what I am sensing has happened in your situation. Looking forward to reading what you put into practice next!

    I am definitely going to be looking into Heilkunst. This is so new to me and sounds completely fascinating.

    Thanks for the glimpse into your life (including your bathroom!)

    • You know Gabriella you may be right about this… maybe it’s his way to show us what he sees in our minds. I’m very happy that you will look into Heilkunst.


  1. […] one point during the visit I had to laugh at my brother-in-law as he looked over and noticed a upside-down kleenex box on the counter and had a puzzled look on his face (apparently he had just noticed an upside down […]

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